One last drop of poison
One last drop of tears
One last drop of fresh acid rain
To clear the air of the potent fumes
That mutates us
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
The truth hurts
The truth sometimes huts, but I at least know the truth now. That he will never love me and except me, he will never be able to look into my eyes and tell me that he loves me because I’m a loving, caring, beautiful individual; I only have a gorgeous mother that does that. I know that my dad once was a good man to me, because my mother told me the stories from when I was little. How I use to sleep on his chest for naps, and how I wouldn’t want to see him go. But sadly I don’t remember that man, all I remember is the cruel, violent, drunk man that would punish me for crying, and hurt the mother I so dearly held close to my heart, for saving me all these years. I just with I had a father to teach me how to take apart a car, teach me how to drive, go on walks with, paint my first house with, buy a new puppy with, teach me how to ride a bike that I was afraid to get taught when I was little; And to teach me how to be fearless. But the fear that he brought upon me taught me to laugh at fear, to be cold, to stay away from people you use to love, for they will hurt you in the end.
He believes that it’s a choice, but from being one, I know first hand it isn’t. He believes that it’s wrong; he says that if society says it everyone believes its okay, but I don’t believe a lot of what society says. I believe what I feel, and what I see, what I hear, and what my heart, soul, and instincts tell me to do. I don’t believe in rules because rules just hold your spirit down, they tie it down like it’s a caged animal. But in all truth we are all animals, just with more highly developed brains; we came from them. So who are we to create all these rules to our once free spirits? We are all just caged animals like in zoos. And we all are longing to be free.
He believes that it’s a choice, but from being one, I know first hand it isn’t. He believes that it’s wrong; he says that if society says it everyone believes its okay, but I don’t believe a lot of what society says. I believe what I feel, and what I see, what I hear, and what my heart, soul, and instincts tell me to do. I don’t believe in rules because rules just hold your spirit down, they tie it down like it’s a caged animal. But in all truth we are all animals, just with more highly developed brains; we came from them. So who are we to create all these rules to our once free spirits? We are all just caged animals like in zoos. And we all are longing to be free.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
time passed by
The house seemed to as if be moving and growing. It swayed to the music like tree branches in the wind.
The windows moved up and down like eyes. And the walls moved in and out as if it was breathing.
Time seemed to move so quickly and I saw the sun rise, But the land outside of the window was not the land back home.
It was vast and flourish. It was gorgeous.
I just sat on my bed, Hypnotized by the beauty of the passing lands, That moved so quickly by, But every single one of the frames, I felt that I have spent moments of my life in each and ever one of them, I have cherished memories in those beautiful places, But haven’t seen them before, And don’t remember any of the memories
“My life has passed by me too fast” I screamed to make it all stop “I don’t remember any of this! Please let me live this! Please let me remember all of this!”
Then I see a hand reach out of the sun rays from the window
I have this overcoming feeling that I can’t explain, It’s so magnificent, pure bliss, shocked, loved, forgiven, happy feeling, That all of my good feelings of my whole short life have been mended into this one moment. My hand, without my consent, floats up effortlessly towards the simmering hand and...
The windows moved up and down like eyes. And the walls moved in and out as if it was breathing.
Time seemed to move so quickly and I saw the sun rise, But the land outside of the window was not the land back home.
It was vast and flourish. It was gorgeous.
I just sat on my bed, Hypnotized by the beauty of the passing lands, That moved so quickly by, But every single one of the frames, I felt that I have spent moments of my life in each and ever one of them, I have cherished memories in those beautiful places, But haven’t seen them before, And don’t remember any of the memories
“My life has passed by me too fast” I screamed to make it all stop “I don’t remember any of this! Please let me live this! Please let me remember all of this!”
Then I see a hand reach out of the sun rays from the window
I have this overcoming feeling that I can’t explain, It’s so magnificent, pure bliss, shocked, loved, forgiven, happy feeling, That all of my good feelings of my whole short life have been mended into this one moment. My hand, without my consent, floats up effortlessly towards the simmering hand and...
Friday, March 19, 2010
no more having fun!
I can’t drink alcohol any more :(
I’m trying new anxiety meds… long story on how I got them. But I don’t have insurance and were not paying for them… lol
I’m just glad finally I have something to stabilize my mood so I don’t have to drink, smoke, do drugs ect.
I’m trying new anxiety meds… long story on how I got them. But I don’t have insurance and were not paying for them… lol
I’m just glad finally I have something to stabilize my mood so I don’t have to drink, smoke, do drugs ect.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Names of albums
Stuck
(Why must a bird like me with a big soul be caged in such a small place?)
Dream Catcher
(Because that’s all I ever do.)
The barefoot truth
(Why would you want to tell a lie within a lie?)
(Why must a bird like me with a big soul be caged in such a small place?)
Dream Catcher
(Because that’s all I ever do.)
The barefoot truth
(Why would you want to tell a lie within a lie?)
poem quote
"I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers and laid entwined together on a bed of clover and left there to sleep, left there to dream of their happiness."
-Conor Oberst
-Conor Oberst
what I've lost
"A person spends a lifetime searching for what was lost in childhood"- J.Diaz
I'm missing understanding, love, and mercy from others, (not my mom & not my dad up untill I was 5. But my mom was always there for me just my dad.)
I'm missing understanding, love, and mercy from others, (not my mom & not my dad up untill I was 5. But my mom was always there for me just my dad.)
Nick Drake poem
Safe in the womb
Of an everlasting night
You find the darkness can
Give the brightest light.
Safe in your place deep in the earth
That's when they'll know what you were really worth...
quote
I think you have to be influenced by everything and be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing to follow your dreams. You have to believe in what you do as much as love it. You only get a short life, so take chances. -John Galliano, Dior.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Cello Song
Lyrics:
Strange face, with your eyes
So pale and sincere.
Underneath you know well
You have nothing to fear.
For the dreams that came to you when so young
Told of a life
Where spring is sprung.
You would seem so frail
In the cold of the night
When the armies of emotion
Go out to fight.
But while the earth sinks to its grave
You sail to the sky
On the crest of a wave.
So forget this cruel world
Where I belong
I'll just sit and wait
And sing my song.
And if one day you should see me in the crowd
Lend a hand and lift me
To your place in the cloud
Serene
A traveling band/couple; they hardly talk to any one even each other. They are very closed off from the world but so connected to the earth. They are nice people; don’t say much, because they have too much to say. They try to do every thing and any thing to help the earth get well again, also help children and animals. They die of drug overdoses, but the story just starts then.
Friday, March 12, 2010
fire the teachers!
• I’ve heard from more then 10 people that they do not like Mrs. Uhen or Mrs. Schwane.
• She’s pushing us; when Mrs. S. asks a question I gladly answer it, but then she keeps up at it.
Ex. She asks me if I had my role done. I answered yes. But then she asked how I got it done, I told her how. Then she asked then why do I need an extension on the quiz, I answered because I didn’t get it. Then she said well you knew about it the week, why didn’t you ask me be for… instead of just acknowledging that I had an I.E.P. and if I need time to work on some thing or study or some thing I at least have one day extension. And that’s all I asked for, I was even going to ask if I could work on it before or after school, but I walked away from the situation cause I didn’t want to have to argue with her, she could have just trusted me from the start. I don’t understand how difficult it could have been to just say yes you can have one day extension, when all of my other teachers are fine, and don’t have a problem with talking to me.
• I have no other problems with teachers except those two. And the same with a lot of others. I do not understand why they blame it on the kids having “attitude issues” when they have no problem with their other teachers. If they truly had a problem it wouldn’t just be with two teachers it would be with all of the teachers.
• Mrs. S. dis likes it when I walk away from her and thinks its disrespectful. I agree, but also she has to understand that the reason why I’m doing it so I don’t have to blow up. I’m walking away from the situation, and she should be able to acknowledge that and be the adult about it, and walk away from the situation too. And why is it that, it is okay for Mrs. Uhen to walk away from me when I’m talking to her, and it’s not okay for me to? She has a horrible bed side manner, and does come off as a little rough, and if I was like that I would get (figuratively specking) slapped on the wrist. But when she does it its okay…
• I understand that they do have the authority, and I respect that. But why is it that they have the authority to treat us like poop and we can’t do the same back. And if we do we have HUGE punishments for it and they don’t even get a yelling at.
• I understand that in the business world and in just real life, you have to get use to these kinds of people, but we are not in the real world yet, or in business. We are children and this is a critical stage, if were not in an environment were we feel conferrable how will we learn correctly and efficiently? Same goes with bullying, kids can do it, so can teachers. I’m not saying they are porously doing it, same with kids, some times they don’t mean it in a harsh sense, but it still comes out as it.
• I think that we were both coming form different angles and were not getting each other clearly, and I understand that I should have been more mature about it and shouldn’t have given attitude when they gave it to me, but they are the adults if they are in control they should have more control over their actions as well.
• I’ve been having anxiety problems and its hard cause my mother is unemployed and doesn’t have insurance to cover medication for me. So I have to cope with it myself, I’m trying my hardest but it’s hard with all the havoc that’s been going on with those two teachers. And please let me emphasize this more, it’s just those two teachers, if I really had an attitude problem and was always disrespectful, then it wouldn’t be just those two teachers. And it’s also not just me that have problems with the same teachers its more then a handful of kids that do not like their kind of dealing with the kids at school.
• I would love to do a petition were the kids that have the same problems as me with the same teachers, they could sign a sheet of paper, and if there is more then 17 kids that would sign that sheet; I rest my case.
• She’s pushing us; when Mrs. S. asks a question I gladly answer it, but then she keeps up at it.
Ex. She asks me if I had my role done. I answered yes. But then she asked how I got it done, I told her how. Then she asked then why do I need an extension on the quiz, I answered because I didn’t get it. Then she said well you knew about it the week, why didn’t you ask me be for… instead of just acknowledging that I had an I.E.P. and if I need time to work on some thing or study or some thing I at least have one day extension. And that’s all I asked for, I was even going to ask if I could work on it before or after school, but I walked away from the situation cause I didn’t want to have to argue with her, she could have just trusted me from the start. I don’t understand how difficult it could have been to just say yes you can have one day extension, when all of my other teachers are fine, and don’t have a problem with talking to me.
• I have no other problems with teachers except those two. And the same with a lot of others. I do not understand why they blame it on the kids having “attitude issues” when they have no problem with their other teachers. If they truly had a problem it wouldn’t just be with two teachers it would be with all of the teachers.
• Mrs. S. dis likes it when I walk away from her and thinks its disrespectful. I agree, but also she has to understand that the reason why I’m doing it so I don’t have to blow up. I’m walking away from the situation, and she should be able to acknowledge that and be the adult about it, and walk away from the situation too. And why is it that, it is okay for Mrs. Uhen to walk away from me when I’m talking to her, and it’s not okay for me to? She has a horrible bed side manner, and does come off as a little rough, and if I was like that I would get (figuratively specking) slapped on the wrist. But when she does it its okay…
• I understand that they do have the authority, and I respect that. But why is it that they have the authority to treat us like poop and we can’t do the same back. And if we do we have HUGE punishments for it and they don’t even get a yelling at.
• I understand that in the business world and in just real life, you have to get use to these kinds of people, but we are not in the real world yet, or in business. We are children and this is a critical stage, if were not in an environment were we feel conferrable how will we learn correctly and efficiently? Same goes with bullying, kids can do it, so can teachers. I’m not saying they are porously doing it, same with kids, some times they don’t mean it in a harsh sense, but it still comes out as it.
• I think that we were both coming form different angles and were not getting each other clearly, and I understand that I should have been more mature about it and shouldn’t have given attitude when they gave it to me, but they are the adults if they are in control they should have more control over their actions as well.
• I’ve been having anxiety problems and its hard cause my mother is unemployed and doesn’t have insurance to cover medication for me. So I have to cope with it myself, I’m trying my hardest but it’s hard with all the havoc that’s been going on with those two teachers. And please let me emphasize this more, it’s just those two teachers, if I really had an attitude problem and was always disrespectful, then it wouldn’t be just those two teachers. And it’s also not just me that have problems with the same teachers its more then a handful of kids that do not like their kind of dealing with the kids at school.
• I would love to do a petition were the kids that have the same problems as me with the same teachers, they could sign a sheet of paper, and if there is more then 17 kids that would sign that sheet; I rest my case.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
say the word
Just say it!
I’m weird, I’m a freak, just say it!
You don’t want to talk to me, I’m annoying, just say it!
You lied to me about the last time, you think I’m ugly, just say it!
Please just say it, so I don’t have to wonder, just SAY IT!
I’m weird, I’m a freak, just say it!
You don’t want to talk to me, I’m annoying, just say it!
You lied to me about the last time, you think I’m ugly, just say it!
Please just say it, so I don’t have to wonder, just SAY IT!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
the truth
"It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems... what's hard is to decide to actually do it." - Robert Downey, Jr.
Monday, March 8, 2010
she knew
She had known her end from the beginning
But she still wanted to wait until the end
She had known which way she would go
But she still left it to chance
She had know she was never going to find what she was looking for
But still looked, no matter where she was, she would always look
She had known what would become of her
But she still wanted to change for the better
She always said to herself,
“At least I tried.”
But then she would answer
“Trying isn’t good enough.”
But she still wanted to wait until the end
She had known which way she would go
But she still left it to chance
She had know she was never going to find what she was looking for
But still looked, no matter where she was, she would always look
She had known what would become of her
But she still wanted to change for the better
She always said to herself,
“At least I tried.”
But then she would answer
“Trying isn’t good enough.”
Accepting loneliness
Even though the people around me tell me that they love me, I find it hard to find that the truth. It feels like I’m constantly being lied to, I can’t trust any body but my drink… I feel lost within a world that doesn’t love me, even though I love it. I can’t understand why I’m not excepted, or why I’m not “cool” I’m cute, zany, random, and I love any one that has the ability to love, there for I love everybody. I wish I didn’t have to feel cadged and hated, I wish that my love could shine through to every part of the world, but I guess how cold I feel about myself is showing through on how I look at other people. I miss innocence, I wish I couldn’t have lost that, but I guess it’s too late to gain it back.
I wish
I wish I didn’t care, I wish I couldn’t feel, I wish that all my life I was free like you, I wish that every thing could be easy like it is for you, I wish that I could wiz through everything without having to move an eye, I wish that I was high, I wish I didn’t have to love, I wish I didn’t have to cry, And what I wish the most is to just sleep, And dream forever in the fantasy I wish was my realty, But I know that is an impossibility, So I’ll live my life like I’ve always have unhappy.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
sex before marriage
I hate it when religious people are like "you should save your virginity for your special some one"... well how do you know that, that "special someone" wont turn out to beat your kids or cheat on you... ect from personal experiences (my mother and my fathers relationship) I don't really want to wait until marriage because idk if the person is a good person or not, why give them something "special" when they might not be so "special"
oh my gosh, this man steals the words right out of my skull!! <3
oh my gosh, this man steals the words right out of my skull!! <3
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Daylight moon
He kisses her finger tips softly
She’s frozen
Frozen
Frozen in time
I’m frozen
Frozen
Frozen in your time
He holds on to her tightly
But kisses me softly
She doesn’t know what to do
I’m frozen in his time
He doesn’t let her go
But kisses me softly
Kisses her fingertips quietly
He fallows her into
Her into
Her into
Her into
Into a dark place
Her into
Her into
Her into
Into their dark place
Her into (quietly)
Slow down
Slow down
She starts to bellow
But he can’t hear her
But he can’t hear her
He can’t hear her
No he can’t hear her
Quietly (into her)
Plunder
Violent seizure
Abuse
Despoliation
Violation
She bellowed
She’s frozen
Frozen
Frozen in time
I’m frozen
Frozen
Frozen in your time
He holds on to her tightly
But kisses me softly
She doesn’t know what to do
I’m frozen in his time
He doesn’t let her go
But kisses me softly
Kisses her fingertips quietly
He fallows her into
Her into
Her into
Her into
Into a dark place
Her into
Her into
Her into
Into their dark place
Her into (quietly)
Slow down
Slow down
She starts to bellow
But he can’t hear her
But he can’t hear her
He can’t hear her
No he can’t hear her
Quietly (into her)
Plunder
Violent seizure
Abuse
Despoliation
Violation
She bellowed
Monday, March 1, 2010
my poison
I love the way it distorts me
My veins run with its venom
The snake turns my vision into a lost collision
In a dead forest
Why do we have dead forests?
I love the way it distorts me
Like fiction it cannot destroy me
They say it would ruin me
But it’s my best friend
I cannot abandon it
Like the world abandoned me
Oh what shall I do?
I want to live without it
But as much as I try, I want it
I turn right back to rely upon it
It’s my holy water
It’s my redemption
What would I do without my poison?
I cherish each moment I am on it
I feel each and ever second with an intimate perception
Without it I would fall apart
Each and ever piece of me would fall down the drains
The only thing that could save me
From the poison that has locked me away
Is you
I’m calling out to reach you
But you too far away
As much as I try, I want it
I turn right back to rely on it
I’m hooked, can’t you see?
You’re too far away
Too far away
My veins run with its venom
The snake turns my vision into a lost collision
In a dead forest
Why do we have dead forests?
I love the way it distorts me
Like fiction it cannot destroy me
They say it would ruin me
But it’s my best friend
I cannot abandon it
Like the world abandoned me
Oh what shall I do?
I want to live without it
But as much as I try, I want it
I turn right back to rely upon it
It’s my holy water
It’s my redemption
What would I do without my poison?
I cherish each moment I am on it
I feel each and ever second with an intimate perception
Without it I would fall apart
Each and ever piece of me would fall down the drains
The only thing that could save me
From the poison that has locked me away
Is you
I’m calling out to reach you
But you too far away
As much as I try, I want it
I turn right back to rely on it
I’m hooked, can’t you see?
You’re too far away
Too far away
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